Political Parties
by Jonathan Quince
Friday, August 29, 2003 18:32:57
These are adapted from an e-mail conversation.
VD and Political Parties
Republicans : Democrats :: Syphilis : HIV.
The former will make you suffer mightily, and it will kill you if left untreated. The latter will kill you until you are very dead. There is no known cure for the latter, although advanced treatments (known as a "split ticket") can slow its progression somewhat.
It is natural to assume that both are caused by viruses, but the former is only caused by a mere spirochete.
This applies on such issues as national security, taxes, and yes, even freedom of speech.
While we're at it, I might mention that the Libertarians and the Greens are akin to gonorrhea and chlamydia. They'd like to be deadly, but they're only potent enough to be painful and disgusting. Rumor has it that one or the other may cause blindness and sterility if left untreated.
Anarchism is like a case of herpes: Chronically irritating, currently incurable, and if you have it and you're smart, you really don't want anybody to find out you have it. If you have it and you're not smart, everybody does find out you have it when you do something really stupid, something that may impact the lives of others.
Just to round out our history, Nazism is plague and Communism is some strain of haemorrhagic fever (depending on whether you succumb to Stalin, Mao, etc.). They're in a different class of diseases altogether; either can kill you (literally) even if you haven't engaged in social intercourse of any kind.
That concludes the beginning, the middle, and the end of my politics. Don't ask me again, or I'll go into gory detail describing why George W. is cocaine and Tom Daschle is heroin.
Street Drugs and Political Parties
I'll stick with the common ones.
George W. Bush is cocaine. He's widely thought of as being a rich man's drug, but you'd be surprised how popular he is in middle-class America. Some people think that it's ok to do him, but they misunderestimate his potency.
John Kerry and his cronies are heroin. They're a popular, mass-market injectable that appeals to those who are in need of a rapid-acting strong dose of unreality. They appeal to the Seattle rocker and the Portland junkie alike. They're also highly addictive; no amount of methadone or welfare reform will help most addicts.
Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson are crack. They appeal to the poor and dispossessed, the inner-city illiterates, the ignorant and stupid who don't care if the drug becomes their master and turns them into a bunch of million-man-marching ten-cent whores.
Libertarianism (both left and right) and Greenism are marihuana. They're fun and popular, and they can cause wild flights of fancy where users momentarily think they are extremely wise. Most people dabble in them when young and then outgrow them. They're not overly harmful except when used regularly for long periods of time.
Anarchism equals LSD. And I think that many anarchists would agree.
Randianism is Ecstasy. A is A and everybody can be rational and oh so beautiful. Please don't make me try to explain. It can, however, cause a serotonin deficiency with long-term usage.
Historically speaking, Communism is ricin: A low dose causes a sure death, and a slow and painful one. Nazism, fittingly, is cyanide from Zyklon B.
Now take a good shot of vodka and forget about politics.
Updated: 2004-07-07, to change Tom Daschle to John Kerry.