Review: Electric Paddle
by Jonathan Quince
Monday, February 21, 2005 18:26:13
No, this isn’t the “substantial jolt” I previously mentioned. That one will be a special treat. ;-)
The fun little trinket on hand is substantially less intimidating. It’s a small electric paddle that was evidently designed as a hand-held bug zapper. I look forward to testing it for that purpose the next time I see a housefly buzzing around; it’ll be nice to be able to kill it in midair with a leisurely swipe. But of course, my primary motive for the purchase was a bit kinkier than that.
I like electricity. Its physics are amazing; it powers many of my favorite items, such as the Internet; and it just so happens that it produces interesting (and often painful) sensations when applied to the human body. Since I can’t count the cattle fences I intentionally grabbed while travelling as a teenager, this is the first real electrical toy in my ownership.
The bad news is that as of now, I only have myself as a test subject. The good news is that using said subject, I shall be testing the item in question rather thoroughly.
One Sharp Little Bite
The paddle is a fragile little item by design. Worse still, it’s cheap “Made in China” crap; rough handling would easily break it. Fortunately, rough handling shouldn’t be necessary for any conceivable usage scenario: A light tap against the skin will dish out all the impact this paddle is capable of, anyway.
From the intimidating catalog descriptions, I expected this item to pack a much stronger jolt than it does. The first slap with the paddle doesn’t induce any of what could be called serious pain; rather, it gives more of a stinging bite. That initial nip would be great for getting someone’s attention, or for waking yourself up when staying up all night working; it might be a tad startling for someone who is blindfolded; but otherwise, it lacks impact.
The upside is that in rapid-fire successive smacks, its sensory import is cumulative. After the first few touches, I find myself reflexively trying to avoid any further contact. Furthermore, it doesn’t require the same hefty wind-up swing as an impact toy delivering kinetic energy; therefore, it can be used in a very fast “rat-a-tat-tat” accomplished by flicking the wrist up and down.
It needs some time to charge up between smacks, though, so it can’t be used too quickly. I find that a half-second or so between impacts provides the best combination of speed and shock strength.
Naturally, since the shock it delivers really isn’t that strong, it can be used on any part of the body. When sitting down to write this review, I smacked the tip of my dick with it as a test. The effect was — well — enlivening, but again, not a challenge by any stretch. Even on the most sensitive external part of my body, after just one sharp little bite, I was left with a very minor stinging/smarting sensation that continued for a few minutes. (Maybe I’ll give myself a good paddling there later.)
I haven’t observed any markings on my skin from applying the paddle. I haven’t tried holding it against my skin for (perhaps unfounded?) fear that a continuous current draw will screw up its cheap electronics. It is, after all, designed for application to houseflies, not people.
The device uses 2 AA batteries; I tested it with freshly-charged 2500 mAh NiMH units. I haven’t yet depleted the first set of batteries, so I can’t say how long they’ll last.
The bottom line: This is a neat little toy. It is not a serious tool of torment on a physical level; but when used properly with repetition and/or psychological elements such as surprise, it is certainly delicious.
Availability
- “Electric Paddle”, Item #MI215 at ExtremeRestraints.com. Price: $18.00 as of 2005-02-21. (Purchased here. YMMV.)
- “The Zapper”, Item #B568 at JT’s Stockroom. Price: $19.00 as of 2005-02-21. (Appears to be same product, although description speaks of a double switch that isn’t present on my unit; mine has only a single button.)
- Do you sell this item? Do you know who manufactures it? Let me know.