A Nonjudgmental Mentality
by Jonathan Quince
Friday, December 19, 2003 20:17:23
Very well, I will admit it: I am a judgmental snob. As I always say, opinions are like assholes: I’m entitled to two of them. But in this case, I am (for once) not passing judgment upon anybody else’s lifestyle choices.
I’ve been receiving some polite (and not-so-polite) e-mail accusing me of having something against people who practice BDSM, D/s, and other kinky power relationships. Nothing could be farther from the truth. For one thing, anybody who knows me well will tell you that there are very few flavors of sexual deviancy I won’t accept with a wink and a smile (and maybe a smacking of the lips).
There are two separate issues at work here: That of BDSM and D/s, and that of Vivian. I’ll take them one by one.
Most bondage/domination, sadomasochistic, or dominant/submissive relationships are based on roles and roleplaying. The actions are sometimes (though not always) real enough, but the motivations behind them are faked to a certain degree. There is a whole range of different relationships out there, and I’d be loathe to pigeon-hole anybody into some attempt at a textbook definition or define someone else’s lifestyle for them; but some things are fairly constant. One near-constant is that these relationships usually have “normal” and “kinky” parts that are strictly defined and carefully separated; in essence, most of these are “normal” relationships, just with some kinkiness and unorthodox displays of affection tacked on.
“In scene” and “out of scene”. “In subspace”, “in a dom mood”. Stop words versus “stop”. Love, kisses, and fluffy bunnies for one hour; whores, sluts, and an outpouring of humiliation the next. Anybody who loses that critical line between fantasy and reality is playing outside the rules and is destined for some (really freaky) trouble.
I could not do roleplaying as a lifestyle; any kind of falsity or acting is usually anathema to my libido. Could I keep up the act for a few days? Certainly, but just as certainly no longer. Could I keep shifting gears mentally — not for a stage performance (which I love), but as a lifestyle, day after day and year after year? Probably, but it wouldn’t be comfortable for me.
I can suspend my disbelief with ease, but I can only suspend my bullshit detector for so long. So roleplaying, while fun on occasion, can get really old really fast. Any relationship longer than a hooker session or a one-night fuckfest had better be based on something other than faking.
And it does say something about my personality that if I want to buy (for example) restraining equipment, my first instinct is to head for a police supply shop, not a kinky sex store.
That about sums up my opinion of BDSM and D/s: Never involved with it, might try it someday, probably wouldn’t get too much into the scene, have no problem with others who are. So what’s the real deal with my constant criticism of Vivian?
Vivian is not a mature, experienced kinky woman who’s been on The Scene forever and knows what she’s doing. She’s a confused and vulnerable girl who is, quite frankly, playing with fire. She’s the type who gets in over her head and comes to a bad end. I am simply refusing to be that bad end for her, although I’m not above letting her tread water and panic for awhile.
I may be a piss-ant only a few years older than she is; but relative to her childlike innocence, I am incomparably wiser. This disparity saddles me with a certain measure of responsibility that is markedly (though finitely) increased over what it would be in an ordinary relationship. In short, I have to protect her from herself at least a little bit. Taking advantage of Vivian would be like shooting fish in a barrel — especially in light of the way she chose to approach me. She’s practically begging for it.
Yet I believe in freedom of choice. Vivian is technically an independent adult who is ultimately responsible for her own decisions. And if she really wants to be eaten alive, I am capable of obliging without moral qualms. But if she’s going to make herself look like prey, she’d damn well better be serious and not just acting or role-playing. I punish role-playing by giving people what they ask for — once I absolve myself of moral responsibility by first offering them every way out short of forceable expulsion from my life.
If Vivian wanted to see through the eyes of a sex slave for a few hours’ role-playing time, she could schmooze with the right people and get herself invited into some nice BDSM party. She would be afforded the opportunity to wear a freaky costume, get her ass turned bright red, and be led around on a leash for a few hours; then she could go home and return to the world of normative dating and relationships. If she wanted a “normal” D/s relationship with its carefully worked-out code of harsh lovingkindness, she probably wouldn’t be able to find the right partner by herself — but she knows people who could help her in that direction. (That is, after all, how she met me.) Neither of those options is what she’s really looking for, though; and I’m just making sure of that.
This is not some kind of standard disclaimer. I say what I mean, and I say it without qualification. People who backpedal and spin in circles after receiving a few accusatory e-mails are, to put it simply, wimps. If I say something that someone else finds offensive — which is nigh impossible not to do in today’s world, especially for one so opinionated as I — my usual answer to complaints is to advise that people change the channel and ignore me if they don’t like what I have to say. (…and then to follow my own advice and ignore their whining.) But this case is one of complex motivations and uncharted territory, and as such, I’m really being misunderstood.